after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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