did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
