Dude my mom stole all your condoms
But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Randomize
