the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
