I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
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today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
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She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
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