Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
So many bounce houses so little time
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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