my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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