so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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