Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
