they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
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