I can text with my tongue
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
