So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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