Your face is a jimmy john
My room smells like vodka and shame
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
