Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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