my soul wont recognize me after tonight
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
