After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
