There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
