so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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