you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
This is the high leading the old right now
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
we're so committed to being not committed
Randomize
