She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Vodka?
Forever.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
