dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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