Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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