i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
