i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
