Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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