i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
