I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
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