So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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