To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
