Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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