ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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