I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
