Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
