I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
