i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Randomize
