i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
