my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
The air was thick with penises
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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