If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
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She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
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We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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