You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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