How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
