Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
