Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
