All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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