I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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