Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
