He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
