Need sex. Gaining weight.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
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