It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
he high fived his dick after we had sex
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
