Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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