If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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