apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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