all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
