shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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