I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
