She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
