he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
