on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
