How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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