I'm jealous of your bromance
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
i drank out of a bidet.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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