That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
