I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Randomize
